Forgiveness Starts in the Mirror
by LilAngel3
Summary: Spike keeps a journal to help him through his soul searching to find forgivenss, but both Buffy and Spike discover they need to forgive themselves before they can expect it in return. They both struggle to tell each other their own reason for their tormen
1. Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea of the story  
  
Rating: R  
  
Author Note: Until I have Microsoft Word installed on my computer, I can't spell check,  
  
so hang in there with the spelling until then. Anyone want to volunteer as a beta?   
  
Chapter 1: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...  
  
_I dunno why I'm even doing this. I dunno how much longer I can even take this!   
  
I guess I just answered my own question. I have to tell someone how I feel,   
  
and since I absolutely trust no one, journal it is. Well, maybe I trust the Bit,   
  
but she's too young for this crap, well, in the being a human sense anyways.   
  
So there is no one I can tell, no one I want to tell. So I'm writing it down.   
  
I guess it's time to do some soul searching._  
  
'Bloody hell' I murmur to myself at the irony of that last sentence.   
  
_How ironic, my soul I doth now own. Can someone please tell me how my wish was   
  
resulted in this? I wanted to give her what she deserved, and poof, I get my soul.   
  
Now my misery is her happiness. Well, that's nothing new, my misery has always   
  
been her happiness. It's been two weeks since I've been back, one week and three   
  
days since I moved in here..._  
  
I light up a smoke as I look around my new place. Not to shabby, I think,   
  
while blowing the smoke out of my dead lungs. A large bed in the next room with a   
  
chest of drawers. I'm sitting at my new desk in the den.   
  
Somehow getting a soul made me want better living arrangements.   
  
I guess I can see now why Angelus had the mansion, and then the spiffy hotel.   
  
Underground just seems closer to hell, and when you have a soul, that's not a fun place   
  
to think about being close to.   
  
At least the floor is softer. The fire place was a nice ironic bonus, as long as I manage not to burn my ass up. All this place needed was some paint and minor repairs. Looking down at my journal, I begin to write again.  
  
_Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a bloody fool of myself. What kind of Vampire wants a nice place like this? This soul sure is going to take some getting used to. I've seen the slayer every night since I've been back, but I haven't laid a finger on her. Well, ok maybe to help her up after a demon knocked her on her pretty ass, but other than that no touching. She knows something is wrong... well... maybe not wrong, but definitely different. She tried to get me to fuck her once, but I immediately shot her down. I could see the fury in her eyes, but I could also see the shock. She's too proud to beg, so it'll be a little while before she tries again, thank God. Whoa, did I just thank God? Bloody soul...  
_  
I do want her though, but not like that... not anymore. Before I got this soddin soul, it was ok. The human side was recessive, and even though it killed William every time, Spike reveled in it. The raw fuck, the pissing her off to no end just so she'd hate him even more. Now that my soul is dominate, I can't stand to make her angry. Well, ok, maybe I like it a little bit, but you know what I mean. If I feel her getting close, I softly push her away now, instead of slamming her into walls. I refuse to let myself down again. I refuse to touch her until she tells me....  
  
I heard soft steps approaching the house. I slam my book shut and softly call to my slayer. "I'm going to have to put a bell around your neck, kitten, not that it'd matter, I'd feel you a mile away"  
  
I hear her stop, and I find it funny that she is shocked I heard her.   
  
"How many bloody times do I have to kick you out of my place tonight, luv, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were asking for trouble"  
  
"I'll leave" she mutters  
  
"Do you need something?" I ask softly. Damn me!  
  
"Do you care?" She spats getting a look of regret on her face. I think to myself that I should have tried this sooner. Could it be that my sweet Slayer misses my company? It hurts to hope though, and I can't help but answer her question with another question to guard myself.  
  
"Do you have to ask?" What is it about her that eats my resolve? I try to clear my voice and act nonchalant again. "You should know better than that" Bloody hell, I'm weak. "And you're here again because....?" I trail off. Yeah that's it Spike, focus the attention back to her.   
  
"What is your problem?" She says angrily.   
  
"Oi, you came here to fight is it? Well not tonight pet, I'll show you to the door, again." I roll my eyes and walk to the door. I open it wide enough for her and she walks through and stops with her back facing me. So I softly ask her our last series of questions for the night. "Do you remember being dead Buffy?"  
  
Shocked and wide eyed, she whirls around to face me. After a second she casts her eyes to the floor in submission, and slightly nods her head.   
  
"Well luv, when you were dead, did you have feeling of happiness? I mean, I believe the tune went something like 'now you live in hell, and give you something to sing about' and all that rot. I'm assuming you were happy."

Trying to blink back the tears, she softly whispered yes.  
  
I try again, wanting to make absolute clear before I make my own point of putting her through this. I'm not doing this for shits and giggles. "So what you're telling me is, you were dead, and still capable of loving, and happiness?" Before she could answer I was an inch away from her face. "Then what the bloody fuck gives you the right to tell ME, a bloody dead man, I can never love or feel?" I ground out, slamming the door on my Slayer's face. Leaning against it, for the first time sine I've acquired my soul, I cry. I cried for myself, for my victims, and for Buffy. I begged the Gods to give me the strength to keep my Demon side in check. Finally, I push myself from the door, stumbling back into my den in search for a smoke.   
  
I write the last line in my journal for the night.   
  
_How can she ever forgive me?_

* * *

He thinks I can't hear him. He thinks that he's so smart, like some type of James Bond or something. I may not have vampire hearing, but I don't need it to hear the soft whimpering beyond the door that was just slammed in my face, rudely I might add.  
  
"Stupid Vampire..." I grumble walking towards the nearest cemetery. Slayage time for me. I need something to sink my teeth into in order to get rid of my frustration. I laugh at my own pun. God I need help...  
  
"Just going through the motions... hoping no one knows..." I softly sing to myself while staking a newly risen vamp. Funny thing is, the thing I don't want anyone to notice is the exact opposite from what I was hiding earlier. At least until I set things strait.   
  
I was hiding earlier, and I finally get it. I'm alive... not only that, but I feel alive, and I'm happy about it! I've finally come to terms with everything. Unfortunately, it took Willow almost destroying the world. Thank God for Xander. I'd kiss him if I didn't think he'd take it the wrong way. Hmmm, maybe buy him a box of Twinkie goodness to thank him. I smile at that thought.  
  
Then my thoughts drift back to Spike. Something is definitely up. But that's just my luck. I finally allow myself to admit that there is something there, and he gets all skittish on me. I had it all planned out dammit! I sit on the edge of one of the tombstones and fantasize about how it should have went down. 

_I'm shocked to see Spike at the Bronze. Even more shocked by his appearance. It's been several months since I've seen him, but I knew he'd be back. He always   
comes back to me. Not even his ho of a sire of a 100 plus years could keep him away. God he looks so yummy....  
  
His hair has grown out a bit into some wild and sexy curls. And he's wearing a blue shirt that I've never seen before. My mouth goes dry at the sight of him. His eyes lock with mine across the room. I expect him to start walking my way, and he doesn't disappoint.   
  
"Hello cutie." he says. God his voice is so sexy!  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" I would snap back.  
  
"You know why I'm here slayer" he growls.  
  
"Here for your dose of kick the Spike?" I smile up sweetly  
  
"I have a spike you can kick it with" he leers.  
  
"You are such a pig" I'd say pretending to be disgusted  
  
"And you love it" he'd purr  
  
Then I'd shock the life out of him, if he had one. "You're right William, I do"  
_  
All the sudden I feel dust particles settle around me. Once it completely settles, I see Spike glaring right in front of me.

"Are you bloody mad woman?" He yells. Ok, so this isn't what I imagined, but I could work with this.  
  
"Spike I..."   
  
"You what? Forgot that you are a sitting duck in the middle of a soddin graveyard What the hell were you doing daydreaming like that, letting your guard down?"  
  
"What do you care" I throw back at him. Yeah this is getting good...  
  
"Bloody hell, how can you say such a thing!" That's it Spike, show me you care.  
  
"All you care is that you wouldn't have your play thing anymore" I say steely. Bait, set, trap, way to go Buffy, I smile inwardly. Get him all riled up, sexed up, and then go for the kill. Kill meaning tell him of course.  
  
"Fuck you Buffy... sod this, I'm outta here"

He's leaving?? No.... no, he's not supposed run away! But before I could react, he was already gone. God! Does he not understand how hard this is for me? He knows I have a hard   
time expressing my feelings! How many times over the year has he called me out on this very thing? I need him to force it out of me like he has tried in the past. Only this time I'm ready to come clean, but I can't do it alone.  
  
I start home thinking of what I could do. Things certainly aren't going the way I plan, but what do I expect? This isn't some battle plan and love isn't my calling. Or is it? I thought death was my gift, and it is. It took my dying to realize that I can love. And oh aren't the Powers That Be just loving the fact that death is what I love. Yeah that's it guys, yuk it up, I'll remember that next Apocalypse.   
  
I've come to terms with what he is, and what he doesn't have. His soul. Don't get me started on the whole soul thing. For so long I threw that in his face. How am I going to explain my change of heart? Tell him the reason it bothered me so much. Do I even want to?

Well of course I do. But it's going to drudge up some things that I've recently had to face about life. Things I'm trying to bury while I'm here on earth, and just accept what is. I've been over analytical Buffy for too long. Self righteous to the bone.

And will he ever be able to forgive me?


	2. Who's the most evil of us all?

Author Note: Still would like a Beta if anyone would like to volunteer, e-mail me.

Chapter 2: Who's the most evil of us all?  
  
I stomp back to my flat. What a bitch! I can't even believe how careless she's being. I would have thought after Willow nearly destroyed the world she would have gotten over this death wish. Apparently she's still keeping her feelings behind closed doors, and probably only saved the world to save her friends.   
  
I sit back at my desk and pull my journal out again. Bloody poof I've become. Can't have any type of drama come up without writing in this stupid thing.   
  
_Why must she play games with me? Oh that's right, because that's all we've ever done. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of forcing her to show her feelings, forcing her to see what's right in front of her face... forcing her... well let's not go there shall we? Ok maybe I need to go there. I tried to rape her. Only, even to this day, with my soul in tact, I don't believe it was rape. Of course her and the whelp think so. I mean, how many bloody times I have I forced her to do things? How many times has she told me no, but loved every second of it? She feels she has to keep pretenses up. Why? I have no bloody idea. I guess so if anyone ever found out she can say I forced her to do it. It's like bloody fore play for us, and always has been.  
_  
"Can't rape the willing, yeah?" I say to myself.   
  
_But regardless of my intentions, she believes I was trying to rape her. And that makes all the difference. And I feel absolutely horrible. How can you ever apologize for something like that? How can you ever forgive something like that? And I have to admit, I was so blinded by hurt and lust, that I probably over looked the tone in her voice when she told me no. God I'm so stupid! I should have known better! Maybe I did try to rape her.  
_  
God this is getting me no where. Did I or didn't I? And it's not like I can talk to her about it! But I need to talk to someone. Anya maybe? Well, I guess the whelp wouldn't appreciate that much. Red is still in England. But of course, the last time I tried talking to her about relationships was when I tried to kill her, so maybe that's not the best choice either.   
  
"What did you do to her?" a voice comes from my doorway.  
  
"You're worse than your sister Niblet, do I need to get you a bell too?" I turn to stare her down.  
  
"Why haven't you come to see me." She shoots back.  
  
Great, just what I need. I look up at the would be heavens, and ask myself 'I know I said I needed to talk to someone, but her sister? You've got to be bloody joking...'   
  
"Isn't it past your bedtime or something?" I grumble.  
  
"God, why does everyone treat me like I'm some little kid... I've been around longer than you, ya know... what gives you the right to treat me like that" she argues.  
  
"Well I'm the big bad didn't ya know? S'ma job to infuriate the women of Sunnyhell."  
  
"Very cute Spike, but I'm not a little girl anymore"  
  
"You're not? Cause last time I checked you were still going through puberty."  
  
"Avoidy much?"  
  
"Not avoiding anything Bit, if I remember correctly, it's you that sought me out, and I've yet to figure out why"  
  
"Well you are right about one thing.. you do a pretty good job of infuriating the women, and some men I might add, of Sunnydale."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Mind getting to the point Dawn?" God I hate how the Summer's woman can get under my skin.  
  
"Buffy, why else would I be here?"  
  
"Because I'm so irresistible?"  
  
"Nice try."  
  
"What the hell do you want from me Bit?" I say exasperated.   
  
"What did you do to her tonight?"   
  
"Saved her life that's what! Did you know she was daydreaming in the cemetery and almost got herself killed?"  
  
"Really... cause the way it looked to me, is that you did something to piss her off"  
  
"I know the lot of you like to blame me for all the princess' problems, but I assure you all I did was kill a vamp, then head home"  
  
"Well maybe that's the problem?"  
  
I look at her in disbelief. "What was I supposed to do, not save her?"  
  
The bit smiled softly at me and headed for the door. "Has it ever occurred to you that Buffy has spent her life saving people, and maybe, just maybe this once, she's the one that needs to be saved?"  
  
"But I did save her." Clearly I don't understand where she's going with this.  
  
"Death is only the begining..." she whispers and walks out the door. I can hear her laughing.   
  
"Bloody women!" I yell throwing my pack of smoke at the door. What the hell do these women know that I don't?

* * *

"So did you talk to them" a figure says stepping out of the shadows.  
  
"Geez, what are you my stalker now?" I shiver at the thought. I mean, eww.  
  
"Well sweetheart, I need to know these things. I mean, we gotta make sure all our bases are covered before the big evil arrives."  
  
"Yeah I talked to him, he was all moody"  
  
"Well, having a soul does that to ya"  
  
"Yeah I guess... maybe I should lock them in a room together.. maybe that would help" I say hopefully.  
  
"Nah, been there done that, they just fucked each other rotten, didn't get them anywhere" he laughed  
  
"Ewww! This is my sister we're talking about here! So don't need to know their kinky love history."  
  
He stopped laughing. "This is important. You as the key should know that. Now that I've unlocked your abilities, you know what's going to happen."  
  
"Shouldn't we let Buffy handle this? I mean, she's saved the world 6 times now... she's the expert."  
  
"But you said so yourself to Spike, she's the one that needs to be saved this time."  
  
"But I feel bad for going behind her back"  
  
"Trust me, she'll thank you later. Besides, don't look at it as going behind her back, look at it as getting even all the times she never let you in on the Scooby stuff" he smirked.  
  
"You know what Whistler? I think we're gonna be good friends" I smile and link my arm with his.

* * *

"So, how did your visit with Spike go?" my sister asks as soon as I walk through the door.  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know" I smile  
  
"I can't believe I allowed you to go over there" she says shaking her head.  
  
"Well, why not? It's not like he's evil or anything"  
  
"How do you know Dawn, you know what he did!"  
  
"No, I know what he tried to do. Besides, from what I've seen and heard, that sounds like fore play for you guys" I say nonchalantly.  
  
"What do you mean from what you've seen and heard?" She demanded  
  
"Oh you know, you pick up things from the magic box.. like Xander could ever keep his mouth shut."  
  
"Yeah, you're probably right," she says absently "I think I'm gonna head to bed now"  
  
"Yeah you should get your rest, good night!" Then after I hear the door slam to her bedroom I add "You're gonna need it"

* * *

I stare at my mirror thoughtfully. Is it just me or does Dawn seem a little smarter these days? Not to mention a little more sneaky. It's almost like she knows something I don't. Oh well, I'll ask her more about it tomorrow.   
  
I throw myself on my bed and snuggle up to Mr Gordo. "Ahh, the only man in my life that hasn't left me or done something incredibly stupid... of course, that could be because you can't talk, or have a brain for that matter. Wish Spike were like you!"   
  
Ok maybe not so much. Cause then he'd just lay there and stare at me. How fun would that be? I stare at the ceiling a little while longer before finally falling into sleep."_Tara, what are you doing here?" I ask in disbelief?  
  
"You tell me slayer"   
  
"Ah, so not Tara then"  
  
"Was I the last time we had this talk?"  
  
"The first slayer... great. So, what is it this time? We outta cheese? Or maybe another song demon, that was actually kinda cool now that I think about it."  
  
"From beneath you it devours"  
  
"It whatta? How can cheese devour your bottom? Wait... I seriously don't want you to answer that"  
  
"It needs your champion. You must save him, but first, you must help him save himself."  
  
"Since when does Spike listen to what I say? And what is 'it' anyways?"  
  
"The first"  
  
"The first what? The first cheese? I'd say it wasn't American.. cause ya know, America not being that old in respect of the world"  
  
"Go to him, help him"  
  
"And say what? Gee Spike, I know you didn't mean it in a bad way, can we do it again?"  
  
"Go... You know what you must do"  
  
"Yeah, yeah... can you tell the PTB this really isn't funny?   
_  
I wake up and run a shaky hand through my hair. I should have known something was coming. It's not like I couldn't feel it coming earlier, just chose to ignore it for awhile. And I know what I have to do, I'm just too scared to do it. 


End file.
